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Mazal Tov! You are about to begin one of the most exciting stages in your family’s Jewish life, your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
In order to help you, the Israel Center of Conservative Judaism has compiled this handbook to answer many of the questions you may have regarding certain policies and procedures. A timeline of events has been included at the end of the handbook to assist you in understanding the requirements and activities involved in Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah committee at the synagogue or our rabbi.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah is an initiation into the adult community. It is a confirmation of a young person’s identity as a member of the Jewish community. The preparation and planning for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a family affair and a joyous occasion. We strive to involve the parents and other important family members as much as possible in this important event in the child’s life. Children view the process leading up to Bar/Bat Mitzvah in whatever way the family sees it. It is a joyful and auspicious occasion, filled with a sense of change in the child’s role within the family as well as the religion. This can be a time for the family to reaffirm its own identity as a Jewish family. The ICCJ family rejoices in the opportunity to share this simcha (happy occasion) with you. We hope you will truly enjoy this wonderful time in your child’s life.
Reaching the age of Bar/Bat Mitzvah represents the time when our children are deemed old enough to formally accept responsibility for the ethical, moral and religious traditions of Judaism. It indicates that the child’s status has changed and includes certain responsibilities, privileges and obligations as adult members of the Jewish community.
Recognizing the equality of both our sons and daughters, the Conservative Movement has adopted equivalent standards for both sexes with regard to education and religious requirements. As one of its most basic and fundamental principles, ICCJ is firmly committed to equal participation by men and women within the religious and social framework of the synagogue. Being counted in a minyan, receiving an aliyah and carrying a Torah scroll on Shabbat and Simchat Torah are some of the significant religious rituals and privileges enjoyed by both men and women.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a monumental event in our lives and in the lives of our children. The ceremony, however, marks the achievement of only one milestone in Jewish learning. It is therefore important that you and your child understand that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is not the end of religious training, but the beginning of the child’s religious education and observance as a young adult.
While Judaism promotes each and every one’s having a personal, unique relationship with God, Judaism is also not meant to be observed in a vacuum; community is an inseparable part of the Jewish experience. This is where ICCJ shines. ICCJ is not just a house of worship or a religious school; it is a true center for our community. It is a special place where our members can:
Enjoy a community of Jewish people and families;
Celebrate holidays;
Meet other teens in our youth programs, such as BBYO (B’nai Brith Youth Organization;
Learn about the richness of our Jewish heritage;
Pray in an atmosphere of warmth and security;
Participate in Jewish ritual; and
Celebrate all our special occasions such as our children becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
We hope that this guide will help make the process transparent and easy to navigate and that your whole family connects to the synagogue and its community.
The first step is for the family to schedule a meeting with the rabbi
approximately two years in advance of the desired date. A Bar/Bat
Mitzvah is a joyous and momentous occasion! Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations
will typically be scheduled for Saturday morning services. When special
circumstances arise, our rabbi and thefamily may create alternative
opportunities.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah date is intended to correspond with the child’s
meeting the educational requirements listed below. A girl must be at
least twelve years of age and a boy must be thirteen years old, as
measured by her/his Jewish birth date.
In order to have a date for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to be assigned and approved by the rabbi, the child must attain a certain level of Jewish education. The necessary education can be achieved by meeting one of the following minimum requirements:
Five years of religious school at ICCJ (Yedidya Academy), beginning in the third grade of secular school. If a Bar/Bat Mitzvah occurs during the school year, the child is expected to finish that year.
OR
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate is a student in good standing at a Jewish day school (such as Solomon Schechter).
OR
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah student is enrolled in private lessons as approved by our rabbi.
It is important that the children develop a relationship with our rabbi as they begin to explore their Jewish and spiritual identity. We expect that children will meet with the ICCJ rabbi regularly to discuss spiritual aspects of their upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah and Jewish life, as well as write their Dvar Torah. Children will meet with our rabbi approximately six times leading up to their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. In addition, children will be given our rabbi’s email address and encouraged to send their thoughts and reflections.
Each child will meet with a tutor, who will be recommended by our rabbi, in conjunction with the child’s religious education. Parents should start these lessons approximately one year prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah date to determine the course of study. Typically, the tutor will teach the child the aliyah (ascent to the Torah) blessings, the Maftir – approximately three verses to be chanted right from the Torah scroll, the Haftarah blessings and the Haftarah (a passage from the Prophets section of the Hebrew Bible). Depending on the child’s interests and abilities, they may also be trained to lead other central parts of the prayer service, including the Shema, Ashrei, the service when opening the ark, and others.
Shabbat services are a weekly affirmation by members of the congregation of their community and identity as a Jewish people. It is important that children and their parents regularly attend Shabbat services to enhance the spiritual meaning of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and build a connection to the community. It is essential for the child to learn to read and chant the prayers that are part of the services and to familiarize him/her with the nature and order of the services prior to the day he/she is going to be the one on the bimah.
Of course, it is desirable for families to attend services on a weekly basis, but it is understandable that this is not possible for some families. However, since attending services is an important part of the child’s identity as a Jewish person and integral to the purpose of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, it is essential that candidates attend Shabbat services at least once per month for the year or two leading up to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah date.
During the few months immediately prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the child should attend services in the main sanctuary on a weekly or bi- weekly basis. This is where the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration will take place, and familiarity with the routine of the services will help the child become comfortable and self-assured. Often, based on his familiarity with the child’s abilities and comfort level, the rabbi may invite a Bar/Bat Mitzvah student to lead a small prayer during a preceding service, as practice for their big day. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration is even more meaningful when members of the congregation and the child know each other.
B’nei Mitzvah will be asked to work on a special Mitzvah Project to complete during the year leading up to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The theme of each individual project, to be determined by the students in conjunction with our rabbi, can include volunteer work, fundraising, raising community awareness about important causes, or any other activity that will help others. Parents should begin talking to their child about mitzvah projects, and help their child identify causes or issues of significance to them and how the child can follow up on those ideas. Parents do mitzvot every day and they should discuss them with the child since it is a central principle of our religion.
As a modern, inclusive, egalitarian congregation, at ICCJ there is no ritual difference in the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremonies of any gender. 
Furthermore, ICCJ is committed to making each and every person attending or participating in our services and events comfortable. We recognize, affirm and celebrate each individual’s right to determine their own gender identity, to be treated with dignity and respect, and to be referred to using the pronouns they are most comfortable with. If you have specific needs or concerns in this regard, speak with the rabbi, who will warmly guide you through this milestone with all the joy and jubilation it deserves!
ICCJ will work closely with the family of any child with special needs. Please feel comfortable speaking with our rabbi regarding your child’s situation. A course of study that suits your child will be developed so he or she can become part of our religious community by celebrating his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
From time to time, our rabbi may organize orientation sessions for parents of children who are soon to celebrate their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. In a small group setting, parents will be able to share their concerns and questions, and discuss those issues that may arise with the planning and preparation of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
It is our custom for our B’ nei Mitzvah to be called to their first aliyah on the Monday or Thursday before their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This will take place at the ICCJ morning minyan. Usually, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah student will don their Talit and Tefilin for the first time at this weekday service, having been trained in their use by the rabbi in the weeks prior. Please discuss this with our rabbi at your meeting (two months prior to the celebration). At this weekday service, taking photographs and videos are encouraged and welcome; at the Shabbat service this will not be allowed.
Services begin promptly at 9:30 a.m. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah family should be seated in the sanctuary at that time and encourage their guests to arrive at this time.
B’nei Mitzvah participation at the Shabbat service may include:
Sitting on the bimah;
Being called to the Torah to chant the blessings for an aliyah and often the Maftir verses as well;
Chanting the Haftarah, including the blessings before and after the Haftarah;
Delivering the Dvar Torah.
In some cases, the child will be invited to read from the Torah and/ or lead the congregation in prayer during the service. Our rabbi can determine what the level of participation will be for each individual child based on his or her abilities and desires.
As an egalitarian congregation, an Aliya (honor of being called to the Torah and reciting blessings in Hebrew; plural: aliyot) may be assigned to any Jewish adult. Those honored with an aliya will be ceremoniously called up by their Hebrew names and the Hebrew names of their parents. Aside from aliyot, there are a number of other honors that can be assigned to your family members and guests during the service. Our rabbi will help you decide whom you want to honor during the service, and then will request a list of their Hebrew names. This list should be handed in to the main office or emailed directly to the rabbi no later than one week prior to the event. (See attached form for this purpose). Families typically assign five of the seven aliyot, with the two remaining ones reserved for other congregants marking important occasions that week; but individual circumstances often differ and the rabbi will do his best to accommodate your particular preferences. The blessings that are recited for an aliya appear at the back of this handbook, in Hebrew and in transliteration. Additional honors can be assigned to families and their guests.
No later than two (2) months prior to the Bar/Bat mitzvah date, the parents will meet with our rabbi to discuss the service procedure, including aliyot and honors. Our rabbi will answer any questions you have during these sessions.
All are welcome to attend and participate in our services, regardless of ethnicity or religion. In keeping with tradition, aliyot, and most of the other ritual honors during the service may only be performed by Jewish people. As our congregation affiliates with the Conservative Movement of Judaism, the designation “Jewish” for all ritual purposes applies only to someone born to a Jewish (biological) mother, or someone
who has undergone a formal conversion ceremony in keeping with our movement’s standards. If in doubt, or if you have specific concerns about this, please speak to the rabbi well in advance.
While most of the honors can only be performed by Jewish people, we have special honors for non-Jewish family members and guests as well. This is especially encouraged if a parent or grandparent happens to not be Jewish. Please speak to the rabbi if this is relevant.
If a guest scheduled for a particular honor does not arrive on time, please advise the Gabbai (usher assisting with the service) of an alternate guest to receive that honor. All those being honored in any way should be in the sanctuary by 10:00 a.m.
It is customary for the B’nei Mitzvah family to provide kippot for the service, to be brought to the synagogue at least two days before the Shabbat of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Please note that it is optional for women to wear head coverings in our sanctuary. The synagogue staff arranges for placement of the kippot outside of the sanctuary.
Photography or videotaping is prohibited in the sanctuary or anywhere on the synagogue grounds on Shabbat. Please inform your family and friends not to bring personal cameras for use on Shabbat. The use of all electronic devices, including tablets and cell phones, is forbidden in and around the building on Shabbat. Please contact the synagogue office in advance to make arrangements for taking photographs in the sanctuary on a day other than Shabbat.
While respecting individuals’ fashion preferences, we request that attendees dress in a manner befitting a synagogue service.
It is our tradition for the B’nei Mitzvah family to provide floral arrangements for the bimah and to host a Kiddush for the congregation on the day of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Please contact the office to make arrangements.
All smoking, vaping, and use of controlled substances is prohibited anywhere in the synagogue building and on synagogue grounds.
We trust that you will encourage participation in our Jewish youth organizations. You will serve your children well if you impress upon them that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a religious ceremony that marks the first stage of their adult Jewish education. In Judaism, learning never ceases. As a gift to your child, ICCJ member families are provided with one year of free membership to our youth program and a complimentary experience at METNY Encampment.
For members of our synagogue, celebrating their child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah the fee is $500. The non-members fee is $1,200, which includes a one-year synagogue membership. If there are concerns about this fee, please discuss it confidentially with the rabbi.
Payment arrangements, to include a 50% deposit, will be made at the time the Bar Mitzvah date is set. This fee covers individualized lessons and other instruction by the Synagogue. The balance must be paid no later than three (3) months prior to the event.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the perfect time for the family to rejoice in its dedication to Jewish ideals. This is also the ideal time to work as a family to grow spiritually and religiously. This is one of the most significant events in a child’s life, a time when he or she is expected to take on more responsibility at home, in society and in our religion. It is an opportunity to discuss with your child what your expectations are now that she or he is becoming an adult. This connects the religious ceremony to the child’s life in a tangible way and helps the child understand the significance of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
As the excitement of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration becomes a fond memory, we urge you to continue pursuing cultural enrichment as a family, through ongoing involvement in Jewish activities such as: continuing educational programs, social events, youth group programs and Shabbat and festival services.
ICCJ is the center for all these activities. Take advantage of the broad spectrum of programs and opportunities that are offered to members of our synagogue and reap the benefits of the rich and vibrant culture that we all share.
Once again, we wish you and your family a hearty Mazal Tov!
Rabbi Hillel Lavery-Yisraëli can be reached at:
